God is good. When I am so awfully consumed in selfishness, He is good to redeem me. There was a moment a few weeks ago where a simple mistake brought me face to face with a deceptively small decision. Really and truly, it had the power to alter the course of my life. In that moment, the options were to either interfere by human means to prevent a problem from occurring, or allow life to happen as it may. I was at a loss for words. Thankfully, God seems to pick those exact moments when I stop talking (finally) to touch my heart. I do believe that He never stops trying to get through to us but often times it is the incapacitating instance of insecurity where we are finally humble enough to hear His voice. Such was the case for me. He said, “Trust me.” And I knew right then that God would redeem my mistake no matter how it looked to the naked eye.
I wrote in my journal several days later how much more beautiful God’s redemption of a painfully obvious blunder is than a most perfectly concealed mistake. What’s more, His forgiveness, in plain sight, is far less painful than hiding beneath lies what’s been done wrong. I don’t want to be in the dark. I want to walk in the light, even if it means that everybody can see all the poor choices I’ve made. Unfortunately, it’s just so incredibly painful to be that strong. Again, thankfully, I’ve been learning that strength and a courageous spirit are not what the Lord asks of me. I mean, yes, courage is a true and noble trait and certainly something we must employ in the face of great trial. But when it comes to renewing a right spirit within ourselves, as Psalm 51 describes, God has something entirely different in mind. In the Psalm, David asks God for a willing spirit to sustain him. A willing spirit is sustenance for it leads me in the Light, not in the way of darkness. In fact, David even spoke of the Lord’s desire for a broken and contrite heart in His children. I’m not sure yet what that really looks like but I’m fairly sure it doesn’t entail walking around crying nonstop about all of the junk we’ve created in the wake of our sin. I think, and I could be wrong, that it means He wants our hearts to hurt for the sin in our world and in our own lives, but also to be ready and eager to change. He wants us to be humbled in the flesh and yet lifted in spirit by the joy that comes from walking closely with Him.
In a single moment of confusion, God beckoned me to trust Him, to hide in Him. Even though the past weeks have been full of stressful moments and times of waiting, the surrender has been so sweet. Coming back home to God after you’ve been away for far too long is perhaps the single most glorious homecoming that exists in this world. I suppose I haven’t been gone as long as some and definitely not as “far gone” as I’m making it out to be. It’s true, though, that I am coming out of a dry spell. One of my favourite Hillsong lyrics say something to the effect of, “All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship.” It’s so delightfully true, isn’t it? In every season, He is still the God of the universe and the King of my heart. He is still good.
Life is good. It’s difficult, yes, but it’s good. What do I know about difficulty… I know. I’m a student on summer break, living in my parent’s home for free. In reality, I’ve never worked so much or so hard in my life as I have the past month and a half. Three jobs is no picnic. Some days, my alarm clock screams its disgusting wake up call at 7:15 AM and I drag myself from the sheets, not to return until significantly past midnight. Some days, I’m lucky if I get to sit down and eat dinner properly as I run from one job to the next. My hands are cracked and sore from scrubbing toilet bowls by day and my shoulders ache from carrying heavy trays of beer by night. On Monday’s, I come home with snot caked on my clothes and patience worn thin. It’s funny though how caring for little ones fills you. Sometimes, one small spoken I-love-you from a darling girl is enough to fill my heart for the week. I also come home on Monday’s with cheeks sore from laughing.
I’ve been reading as much as I can (which, sadly, is not enough) and Jesse and I have made it out for a few little dates here and there. Weddings and functions of all kinds consume my spare days. Mollie and I even managed to sneak in a little tea party, complete with homemade banana bread and chocolate drop cookies:
My sister’s grad is approaching quickly and with it comes our greatly anticipated Taylor Swift concert. Somewhere in the midst of all the running here and there, I also get to celebrate goin’ steady for two years now with the love of my life. His calm/go-with-the-flow/avoid-confrontation self has been a mainstay for me during such busy times. Of course, it’s also made me want to wring his neck but then, I’ve yet to meet any two people who don’t express some kind of desire to do the same from time to time after knowing each other for nearly three years. I don’t know if I will blog again before our special day but in case I don’t, I won’t end with such violent thoughts. He always asks me why I don’t talk about him on here very often and I suppose it has something to do with the not knowing of how to write about the person you most adore. Put simply, he is the kindest person I know. The best part is that he truly has no idea how kind he is or how respectfully he treats people. He is quick to offer help to anyone, from lending out his truck to carry the contents of somebody’s dorm room, to picking out the spinach from my teeth without me even having to ask. I’ve never known a more respectful man. I didn’t know I could be this happy and I certainly don’t deserve all of the love he gives me. When I get mean and cantankerous (best.word.ever), all he has to do is look at me and my resolve weakens. I want to be a gentler person because of who he is. Two years have flown by and I am full of hope for all we have ahead of us.
Speak of the devil; I have movies to watch and chocolate to eat on this blissful Tuesday evening at my boyfriend’s house. Another reason to be thankful for my parent’s gift of a vehicle? No longer do I wait a week to see him or any other friends who live further than 15 minutes away. Instead I waste away brain cells watching V for Vendetta and pack on the pounds with Toblerone and almond chocolate bars. At least, that’s the plan for tonight.
Friends, you are loved by a redeeming God. The cynics say God is a crutch for weak people to hide behind and I say well, yes, that sounds about right. I am weak. He is the embodiment of peace and fortitude. So, in the whirl of this crazy busy life, you can find me hiding, like the child that I am, within the shelter of His abounding grace.